Sorrow and Joy

We are a homeschool family, our dad is a preacher, our mom is a stay at home mom, and for the most part we fit in the homeschool mold. One thing we don’t have is a lot of children. We have five and sure that’s more than most people but not for homeschoolers. We have been asked before why. Some homeschool mom even dared to ask if we were against lots of children. The answer is no. In fact, every time I think about it, pain comes.
My parents felt led by God to release their family planning after my brother (our third.) (I do not want to judge and so don’t think I’m saying this is for everyone. Only if God’s called you to it) so there was me, my sister and brother along with one miscarriage. My mom had no idea what would come or what God would ask of us. She lost another baby after my brother. Then my sister was born and she felt God told her she would have another son, but it would be awhile before she knew it.
Every year after that she was pregnant, and every year we lost a baby. We don’t know why but it happened. The hurt, even though it wasn’t my children, was so painful. I didn’t know why this was happening or why God would allow us to loose all these little ones. We wanted them in our family. We desired those children and they were being taken away from us. Most the time I could bear to forget but then it would happen again. I have 7 unborn brothers and sisters in heaven now. After the seventh I begged my mom please don’t let it happen again. Though she too was struggling she told me she couldn’t because God had asked her to trust Him. Then she got pregnant again. It was hard to even get excited about it. But we counted to weeks as a family, no one else knowing about it and her belly got bigger and bigger. She had a son and we named him Nathan which means, “Gift from God.”
We gave him to God while he was still in my mom's womb because we knew he was safer in His hands then ours.
So now that my keyboard is wet I’d like to tell you why I’m sharing this. It is because I have learned something in it all and even though I would have loved to have had so many more siblings and even though I sometimes wish my mom was still having children I find comfort in remembering that God knows what He’s doing even when we don’t. Nathan means so much more to us than he would have if it had just been another child and I’ll be able to carry that into my future home, a love for every child and knowing they truly are a blessing. When other girls in our church have a moms who goes through the same thing we can tell them we understand because we not only went through it once but seven times.
This applies to all of life and so many things could be used to illustrate this but I like our story because you can see a beginning and an end. In my heart I still see seven tiny graves in our families past but I see hope in the future and every time I sit and hold my now two year old brother I give thanks.

“Sorrow may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”
Psalm 30:5