Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Sorrow and Joy



We are a homeschool family, our dad is a preacher, our mom is a stay at home mom, and for the most part we fit in the homeschool mold. One thing we don’t have is a lot of children. We have five and sure that’s more than most people but not for homeschoolers. We have been asked before why. Some homeschool mom even dared to ask if we were against lots of children. The answer is no. In fact, every time I think about it, pain comes.
My parents felt led by God to release their family planning after my brother (our third.) (I do not want to judge and so don’t think I’m saying this is for everyone. Only if God’s called you to it) so there was me, my sister and brother along with one miscarriage. My mom had no idea what would come or what God would ask of us. She lost another baby after my brother. Then my sister was born and she felt God told her she would have another son, but it would be awhile before she knew it.
Every year after that she was pregnant, and every year we lost a baby. We don’t know why but it happened. The hurt, even though it wasn’t my children, was so painful. I didn’t know why this was happening or why God would allow us to loose all these little ones. We wanted them in our family. We desired those children and they were being taken away from us. Most the time I could bear to forget but then it would happen again. I have 7 unborn brothers and sisters in heaven now. After the seventh I begged my mom please don’t let it happen again. Though she too was struggling she told me she couldn’t because God had asked her to trust Him. Then she got pregnant again. It was hard to even get excited about it. But we counted to weeks as a family, no one else knowing about it and her belly got bigger and bigger. She had a son and we named him Nathan which means, “Gift from God.”
We gave him to God while he was still in my mom's womb because we knew he was safer in His hands then ours.
So now that my keyboard is wet I’d like to tell you why I’m sharing this. It is because I have learned something in it all and even though I would have loved to have had so many more siblings and even though I sometimes wish my mom was still having children I find comfort in remembering that God knows what He’s doing even when we don’t. Nathan means so much more to us than he would have if it had just been another child and I’ll be able to carry that into my future home, a love for every child and knowing they truly are a blessing. When other girls in our church have a moms who goes through the same thing we can tell them we understand because we not only went through it once but seven times.
This applies to all of life and so many things could be used to illustrate this but I like our story because you can see a beginning and an end. In my heart I still see seven tiny graves in our families past but I see hope in the future and every time I sit and hold my now two year old brother I give thanks.

“Sorrow may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”
Psalm 30:5

6 comments:

Naomi said...

You are such a precious sister to me. I praise God with you for the special gift that He gave to us through Nathan (Tookie).
Lots of Love in Christ,
Naomi Christiana

Maiden of Purity said...

Lydia,

That is very touching, however beautiful. I can't even imagine having 7 unborn siblings, and then going through all the pain. I just sometimes am sad by my 2 unborn siblings as well, even though I was too small to recollect. But, the Lord always knows the best for us and our lives, even we don't understand why at times. What a beautiful post!

A sister in Christ, Vanessa

Allison said...

Wow, that would be hard. My mom has only had two miscarriages, and I thought that was enough. God has certainly been faithful to your family, and it's so wonderful how much more thankful it makes you for Nathan! My mom's first miscarriage was the hardest for me, because I really wanted another sister, and had been praying for one! It was hard to surrender and trust that God gives and takes away, and I should bless His name. Once I finally did I felt peace though.
I likewise, have 4 siblings! I can't believe people would ask if you were against having lots of children. But I agree, the # of siblings I have seems so small.
Sorry this is so long! I found your blog from Vanessa's... It's wonderful to find another like-minded blog!
Grace and Peace,
Allison

hannah elizabeth said...

well now my keyboard is wet too...
as you know we've lost three however only the last two happened after I was born and they were within a year of each other. i remember mom and dad coming home after the appointment when they found out we had lost the second baby and i was just sitting in daddy's lap as my tears fell uncontrollably and i remember just asking why? why would this happen twice in a row? i knew that i had grown allot in losing the first but what else did God want to teach us in losing yet another one? even after that my Mom still wanted to try to have another child... i remember being almost angry (irrationally, of course) that she would want to try and get pregnant again when most likely we'd be put through the same thing all over again... since then I have learned and grown so much. and even though we never had another child, and we probably won't, through the losses i have learned so much. even though i don't understand why He hasn't chosen to bless us with another little one I know that we are all in His perfect plan and I want nothing more than for his will to be done. you are such an encouragement and it's comforting to know that friends as close as you understand the pain. i love you so much lydia!
-Hannah

Britany ; ) said...

Wow.. that is an amazing story. I can't imagine having to go through something like that. Thanks for the comment yesterday. Talk to you later!

Melody said...

Wow! I can't even imagine. I have three unborn siblings but all of them died before I was old enough to know about their existence( I believe I was 4 when the last one died). So I can't even imagine losing 7 little siblings. Reading the way your faith was strengthened through it all brought tears to my eyes. I truly hope and pray that I would have such faith in such a hard situation.
Love ya,
Melody